Fifty Shades of Green
by Lasgalendil
Summary: Exactly what it sounds like! All the ships, slash and smut you could ever want. Get ready for Legolas x EVERYONE! The most epic Legomance ever attempted!
1. Bromance Before Homance

"Wanna fuck?" asked Mary Sue.

"I come from a race of ancient, immortal, completely monogamous beings who're almost entirely asexual…" Legolas shrugged. "So no."

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Tauriel.

"Six centuries ago you were just a little girl!" Legolas wailed. "Where did I go wrong?"

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Sigrid.

"Um…" Legolas said. "I don't date under-aged girls. That's called pedophilia and statutory rape. Do your parents know you're online talking to older guys like this?"

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Kíli and Fíli.

"Sorry, I don't do threesomes," Legolas explained. "Or necrophilia."

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Smaug.

"What is this?" Legolas sighed. "_Brokeback Lonely Mountain_?"

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Aragorn.

"Does Arwen know you're on the down low?" Legolas demanded. "I'm taking you to Elrond and you're getting tested and you'd better pray to Valar her and Eldarion don't have any STD's."

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Arwen.

"Um…you're kinda married to my best friend," Legolas said. "So no."

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Bard.

"Shouldn't someone be watching your three kids?" Legolas wondered.

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Thranduil.

"Hello, Child Protective Services?" Legolas asked. "I need to report solicitation of a minor…"

* * *

"Wanna be my platonic life partner?" asked Gimli.

"Oh, Gimli…" Legolas blushed. "I thought you'd never ask!"

The End


	2. Legomance in Your Pants

"Wanna fuck?" asked Arod.

"Holy Valar!" Legolas cried. "A talking horse—!"

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Treebeard.

"I like trees," Legolas explained. "But not like that."

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Elrond.

"Dad!" Legolas shouted. "Lord Elrond's asking me to play doctor again!"

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked the Balrog.

"Ai, ai!" wailed Legolas. "A Balrog has—_I am so not going to complete that sentence!_"

* * *

"Wanna blow the horn of Gondor?" asked Boromir.

"Ew! Boromir!" Legolas squealed. "Don't be so gross!"

"Wait, come back—!" Boromir hung his head. "Why does everyone always think that?"

The End


	3. What Happens in Esgaroth

"Wanna fuck?" asked The Master.

"Not likely," Legolas shrugged. "I'm really not into S&M…or lack of personal hygiene."

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Alfrid.

"Oh, look!" Legolas pointed. "Dwarves!"

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Óin.

"Sorry," Legolas said. "Didn't catch that."

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Bofur.

"Let me guess," Legolas sighed. "You know an inn, 'a merry old inn…'"

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Fíli.

"No," Legolas said. "And I really don't want to know what the walnuts were for, either."

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Kíli.

"Who do I look like?" Legolas sulked. "Tauriel?"

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Tilda.

"Ai, Eru!" Legolas wailed. "How do you even know that word?"

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Bain.

"Teenagers," Legolas growled. "And is that a _Vanyar's Secret_ catalogue I see hidden under your bed?"

* * *

"TAURIEL!" Legolas shrieked.

"But _you said_—_!_"

"_That's entirely out of context!_"

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Bolg.

"Help!" Legolas screamed. "Rape!"

The End


	4. Save A Horse, Ride the Riddermark

"Wanna fuck?" asked Éomer.

"Ah," said Legolas. "So _that's_ why your movie Uncle banished you with a cohort of cross-dressing cavalry..."

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Théodred.

"Um," Legolas wondered. "Aren't you…_dead—_?"

* * *

"I'll have to search you for weapons," said Hama. "By order of Gríma Wormtongue."

"Yeah," Legolas snorted. "Like I've never heard that one before."

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Éowyn.

"First Aragorn, then Faramir…" Legolas enumerated. "Are you seriously just going through the male cast alphabetically?"

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Théoden.

"It's war-mongering," Legolas explained. "Not whore-mongering."

* * *

"Wanna know why they call me Wormtongue?" asked Gríma.

"Ada!" Legolas wailed.

The End


	5. One Threesome To Rule Them All

"Please?" asked Sméagol. "We be nice to them if they be nice to us!"

"No, we asks it!" snarled Gollum.

"I don't care which of you asks me," Legolas huffed. "I'm NOT going to 'give it to us raw and wriggling!'"

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Saruman.

"You're supposed to be locked up in Orthanc!" Legolas said.

"I know," Gríma explained. "We haven't had anyone else to do in ages."

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Elladan and Elrohir.

"Yuck!" Legolas grimaced. "Twincest!"

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Galadriel.

"B-but…" Legolas stammered. "Your husband is standing _right there_—!"

"It'll be fun!" coaxed Celeborn.

"Oh," Legolas said. "So I'm guessing you were in the know about the whole Gandalf-hair-caress thing, then?"

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Frodo.

"C'mon, Mr. Legolas," Sam said. "Mr. Frodo'll even let you wear the Ring!"

"I'm not sure that's what Elrond meant when he said to cast it in 'the crack of Doom,'" Legolas grimaced.

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Aragorn and Arwen.

"But it's your honeymoon!" Legolas protested.

"I know," said Arwen. "Estel here has a thing for love triangles and blondes…"

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Éowyn.

"But I thought you were happily married!" Legolas cried.

"Oh, we are," Faramir explained. "It's just we need someone tall and blonde to be Éomer now that he's married Lothíriel."

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Éomer and Lothíriel.

"What is with you people—?!" Legolas wailed.

* * *

"Hey, Legolas!" called Merry and Pippin. "Wanna fuck?"

"No! By the Valar above all you people just LEAVE ME ALONE!" Legolas sobbed.

"Well," shrugged Merry. "I guess there's always Estella Bolger."

The End


	6. Putting the Romance Back in Necromance

"Will you be in Isengard long?" asked Saruman. "Because I have a position open for you on my staff."

"Oh," Legolas said. "I thought Gandalf broke it."

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Denethor.

"Let me guess," Legolas sighed. "You're just a hunk of burning love?"

* * *

"Wanna fuck?" asked Gandalf.

"Your fly, you fool!" Legolas said.

* * *

"You seem familiar," said Sauron.

"We used to be neighbors," Legolas shrugged.

"I have a good eye. Are you _sure _you weren't a dancer in Mordor Rouge?"

* * *

"Cold be heart and hand and bone—" the Barrow-wight chanted.

"No!" Legolas cried. "Bad touch!"

* * *

"Wanna—"

"For the last time, Kíli!" Legolas shouted. "I am NOT an Elf-maid!"

* * *

"I guess I could let you into Lothlórien…" mused Haldir. "But you'll have to wear this blindfold."

"Okay," Legolas said.

"And this thong."

"ADA!"

* * *

"The Watcher in the Water took Óin…" read Gandalf.

"Oh, great," Legolas fumed. "Tentacle porn!"

* * *

"But you're supposed to be King Under the Mountain!" Legolas argued. "Why don't you have a majestic beard?"

"It gave your father a rash," shrugged Thórin.

The (Actual) End

* * *

**Looking for more Legomance in your life? See _Green is the Warmest Color_, and await the sequel _Fifty Shades Greener_! Coming soon to a screen near you!**


End file.
